the woman in my life
20 april

My mother has been one of the most inspiring people in my life. Off the top of my head I can think of only two heroes in my life I have actually met and she is the most important. She is in part responsible for who and where I am today, as shocking as that might sound.

I used to have this fantasy that I could be as open about my life with my mother as one of my other heroes is with his mother. Sure, I guess it could happen. Maybe we could begin the process when we have a big chunk of time together, like when aliens take over the planet and we are coincidentally sharing the same transport pod back to their homeland zoo.

We don’t have the closest relationship, we share the surface of prescreened topics, yet I know in our own way we have a deep love for each other. I just don’t know how strong. It’s not that I doubt how I feel for her, I just wonder how much her opinions about aspects of my life would affect her bond with me. You know, little things like how I pay my rent.

The gay thing, well, it didn’t pass the prescreened list of topics when I submitted it in a letter from college years ago. However, she did surprise me once when she asked if I had attended a riot in San Francisco that she saw on the news, a riot noteworthy because one, it sprang over the vetoing of some non-discriminatory gay bill and two, demonstrators paraded one of the mayor’s shoes like a trophy.

Emboldened by her move, five years later I tried giving the g-word Permanent Normal Trade Relations status by off-handedly mentioning the word ‘boyfriend’- mine, not hers- in a sentence but she didn’t take the bait.

He was such an exceptional person that I was sure meeting him would cure her of any misconceptions about gay men, and do it better than I ever could taking her on long meaningful walks to the woods swatting off mosquitoes trying to explain hanky codes. But the boyfriend cancelled his subscription to My Life before I could introduce him to her, and I haven’t found a replacement.

Still, I could see her chairing a PFLAG meeting before I could see her asking about my latest box office. Granted, she went through the whole ordeal to get her marriage to my father annulled, and yet she unconditionally loves her illegitimate granddaughter. All her kids have done premarital sex, some still are, but none have used it as a source of income.

I know people in the industry who are out to their parents, I know people in the industry who are out to their kids, hell, I’ve even met a mother-daughter act, but I can’t see it happening to me and mom.

Part of me says ‘withholding such a large part of your life will adversely affect your relationship’ and part of me says 'so what, do we have to tell our mothers everything?'. I’m staying with the second choice for now. My mother certainly hasn’t told me a lot about her life, but I think I know a lot about her, I just pick up on vibes, and I’ve learned a lot of good lessons.

Number one, it’s not important what others think of you. I must say I apply this lesson somewhat selectively: it’s very important in business, not important with the town gossips or guys who think they’re too good to date a hooker. I wonder if mom would have amended this lesson if she knew how often I used it in defense of prostitution.

Number two, it’s never too late. Mom was a late bloomer in some ways and so too have I gotten a late start in some aspects of realizing myself (some I haven’t even unwrapped yet). She was too busy raising four boys on her own to ‘find herself’ until much later. Saturn return? More like Pluto return. I am so grateful for that gift of looking brightly to the future that she doesn’t even know she’s given to me. For instance, she found her true love in her forties. Vermont, save me a certificate.

Number three, the importance of cultivating a bunch of qualities like patience, hard work, sacrifice, optimism, perseverance, and others that I need when I’m feeling especially reactive, lazy, self-centered, cranky and just want to throw up my hands and quit.

Until I get an out and ok with it porn star/escort boyfriend who can make my mom laugh at the biz the same way I can get her to laugh at my little traumas, I’ll just let her keep picking up on my vibes, and keep learning about my life that way. And who knows, maybe there’s a transport pod out there waiting for the three of us.

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